Hi all…It certainly has been a while.
I took an unintentional, but much needed, break from all things social media, etsy shop and events…
Last year I certainly struggled a lot with motivation, especially after finding out that I had failed my degree. From that point I really, honestly, felt as if the world was completely against me…yeah I know it really sounds so over dramatic to say so, but it seriously took a toll on me. It affected my personal relationships, and I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for not going out and celebrating the successes of my course mates. It really started to eat me up inside. Retrospectively, I realise that I was completely justified in saying no and turning down these social events, because they would certainly have been triggering to me. Most people understood, and respected that I needed time. The fear I had of them hating me for feeling this way was completely in my head.
But then my personal relationship broke down, and as the new year rolled in the artists of Bar Lane Studios were told to hit the road, some of my friends left, I couldn’t keep my room tidy and I still had a dissertation to resubmit.
I just didn’t feel happy in York anymore.
It felt like the world was really going down hill, and then all of these problems suddenly felt insignificant when my grandmother passed away.
Dealing with grief is hard to say the least, and I feel like it is something that I struggle with more and more the older I get.
We are a year on now and I am definitely still grieving all that I lost in 2019 but I’m currently channelling these emotions into some creative writing and illustrations which hopefully one day I will share…
2019 got a lot better as the months went on and it certainly shaped up to be a good year by the end.
I became an Aunty. I eventually graduated from my MA. I started driving again. I started working in the NHS. I got promoted after 6 months. My sister announced she was getting married. I was asked to be a Godmother. I travelled to Liverpool for the first time. I went to the Isle of Arran. I fell in love. I had the best Christmas to date. I celebrated New Year with my housemates. I became the most authentic version of myself.
So now we are in 2020! The first year that I haven’t had to write an essay haha!
The world certainly feels as though it is upside down at the moment…but in a very different and unexpected way to last year. Although everything feels a bit manic and a bit urrghhhhaaahhh (to say the least) I am safe, I am here and I am more myself than I ever have been.
I hope everyone is staying safe and keeping well in this bizarre situation that we are all facing.
Stay spooky…at a safe distance,